Beauty and the Beast

Marketing question: how do you get people to buy something that they’ve already purchased? Put it in 3D!

Yesterday I went to the theaters to go see Beauty and the Beast in 3D, but after the novelty of seeing an old Disney classic on the big screen wore off, I was a little disappointed.  If I’m going to spend an extra $3 for 3D glasses, I want to see some serious Avatar shit. The only time the 3D was very impressive was during Be Our Guest with all the flying plates and geometric shapes dancing. Mostly, it just looked like they added some extra 3D shrubbery around the frame. Titanic better not disappoint.

Actually, the highlight of seeing the movie as an adult (Beauty and the Beast came out when I was 4) was being ultra aware of the lyrics to that Gaston song. Here are the highlights of the song for your enjoyment:

Gaston: Dismissed! Rejected! Publicly Humiliated! Why, it’s more than I can bear.
LeFou: More beer?
Gaston: What for? Nothing helps.

LeFou: Every guy here’d love to be you, Gaston Even when taking your lumps. [what are lumps?]

LeFou: No one’s neck’s as incredibly thick as Gaston. For there’s no man in town half as manly.

Chorus: No one’s been like Gaston. A king pin like Gaston.
LeFou: No one’s got a swell cleft in his chin like Gaston

LeFou: Not a bit of him’s scraggly or scrawny
Gaston: And every last inch of me’s covered with hair

Chorus: No one shoots like Gaston. Makes those beauts like Gaston [how do you make a beaut?]
LeFou: Then goes tromping around wearing boots like Gaston
Gaston: I use antlers in all of my decorating

Then of course the best one of all:

Chorus: No one plots like Gaston
Gaston: Takes cheap shots like Gaston
LeFou: Plans to persecute harmless crackpots like Gaston
Chorus: So his marriage we soon’ll be celebrating

There you have it. The rules of being manly, PLUS some wisdom about crackpots. Leave them alone, Disney says they’re harmless.

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